Regrets
by CloudxKadajLover
Summary: Everyone has their regrets, some like Kadaj choose to dwell on them. But only a choboco haired man can show him there's more to life than dwelling in the past. My first CxK EVER, its so old....rated T for shonen ai.


HOLY CHRIST ON CRACKERS THIS IS OLD!!! . Like, I think this was my first CxK fic EVER!!! According to my laptop, it was created on May 25, 2006. Which is a bit after AC came out so it makes sense. Jesus...not much to say about this, it was my first take on Kadaj's POV. And when I was typing fluffy stuffs...oh the memories...anyway yeah, it isnt great but if it was complete crap I wouldnt put it up here. XP So uh, this is like shonen -ai, so yeah. Dont like dont read!!! Otherwise, enjoy!!!!

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The world was at peace once again, and everyone seemed to absorb it quickly. A sort of happiness had spread around the city- the children, cured of Geostingma, would play, and people seemed to smile a bit more often now. Everything seemed to be at peace along with the planet, except for one certain silver-haired youth. 

Kadaj looked down from his perch high above the city. He watched a few kids run around and then sighed.

_'I shouldn't even be here_,' he thought bitterly.

It still shocked him that Cloud saved his life, after everything he had done. He didn't understand it. When he asked him, all he said was he didn't deserve to die. He was a remnant living a controlled existence and deserved to live his own life.

It always bothered the teen that he was in fact a remnant. He wasn't even human…he didn't even know exactly what he was. Although he tried to ignore it, when he would have time to himself, the thought always came back to him. His sole existence was to bring Sepriroth back, nothing else. After that, his life would have no meaning. This angered the frustrated teen, and probably caused him to be so evil, the reason why he wanted to kill the blonde swordsman so badly. He remembered what Cloud said that day…

_"I guess a remnant wouldn't really know."_

Those words stung Kadaj more that any wound could. He fought hard and fast, as though trying to prove this otherwise. The mental pain he felt never got bad enough that he would consider suicide, but he did sometimes wish he would just disappear and not have to be a remnant anymore. Those moments he thought he would die, he welcomed it heartily, just so he wouldn't have to carry anymore guilt.

But Cloud saved him. And the guilt came.

He remembered all those times he felt he had to act like he was in control, since he was the leader. Honestly half of the time, he didn't know what he was doing and why. He just ordered his brothers to do whatever crazy plan popped into his head. He figured those were Sepriroth's thoughts, not his own. But what could he do? It was his purpose after all…to carry out what Sepriroth wanted to finish.

Then, there was when he tricked the kids into believing he would cure them, and in exchange they would help him with the reunion. Those poor kids suffered so much they would do anything if it meant curing their Geostingma. The young villian knew this- and he abused it. He used them as pawns when he saw Cloud, as he knew he cared about the kids.

Then he went and wanted to make his Niisan look like the bad guy. However, despite his angry words that day, what Cloud said stayed with him forever.

_"I came here for the kids_."

The mako-eyed warrior wasn't a raging psychopath like him, and didn't want to hurt or kill anyone. He only fought when he had to, to save his own life. If Kadaj noticed anything about him, he noticed he had reasons to do what he did. This angered the remnant, as he realized he had no particular reason to want to harm the world. To possess the kids, to summon Bahamut, to kill Cloud…there were no reasons for that. He couldn't believe himself when he told Rufus he thought it was _fun_. He was a crazed, evil teenager without a clue.

Maybe that was why he hated his Niisan so much, because he was so _good_. Thinking about this made the teen hate himself more, and he decided he wanted nothing more but to destroy the chocobo-haired warrior so he wouldn't have to feel anymore self-guilt.

As it turned out, Cloud nearly destroyed him, but didn't let him die. He refused to let him die, despite all that happened. This made Kadaj despise him even more….he could have been gone already, in peace with Mother, Yazoo and Loz. Nonetheless, he remembered the conversation he and the quiet man had had a while ago.

_"But I…I tried to kill you…"_

_"I did the same."_

_"But you had a reason, I was the one who started this whole mess, I-"_

Cloud had placed a finger on his lips to quiet him.

_"You started what Sepriroth wanted to finish. You didn't have your own thoughts to decide what you wanted to do, only what he wanted. I don't blame you for anything that's happened. Besides, sins were meant to be forgiven."_

_"How would you know?"_

_"I tried it."_

That night, Kadaj realized all that hate he felt toward the blonde wasn't hate at all. Hate was what he called it because he refused to accept it otherwise. But actually…

He loved Cloud.

Cloud was the only person on this planet who had a heart to save him, to give him a chance at life. The only person that could forgive him for what he had done. The blue-eyed solider never spat harsh words at him, or made him feel lost. Cloud made him feel that he was worth something…worth something to him.

Kadaj smiled slightly as he thought of this. Maybe this life he was granted won't be so bad after all. Of course, the teen had his regrets, but so did everyone else. Hopefully they would fade with time.

He heard a door open behind him and turned to see who it was, although he already knew. Cloud stood there, looking upon him with relief.

"There you are. Why'd you come all the way up here for?"

The thoughtful beauty shrugged.

"Just wanted some time to think is all," he replied simply.

The blonde walked over to him.

"You're still thinking about why I saved you, aren't you?" he questioned, his eyes full with concern.

Kadaj put his head down. He didn't want to admit it. He knew it bothered his Niisan. He heard the delivery man sigh.

"I figured as much. Kadaj, I don't want you to worry about it alright? I told you why, whether you find it hard to believe or not. I don't want you sulking around all the time like this."

Kadaj could catch the worry in his voice. His heart throbbed suddenly.

"I'm sorry, it's just…well, I don't know how to start things out. I mean, you're the only one who seems to bother with me. And you go off to work all the time," the platinum haired teen complained, looking up into deep blue eyes.

"Well, I'm here now aren't I?"

Kadaj smiled and got up.

"Yeah you are."

Cloud chuckled lightly.

"Come on then, talk to me, if it bothers you so much that I'm not here," he said, turning to go back inside.

The angelic rebel smiled behind him. Yes, now would be the time.

"Cloud," the turquoises eyed youth started.

Never being called by his name by Kadaj before, the cerulean eyed man turned around.

"Hmm?"

Kadaj looked at the ground, then back at the blonde. _'Why is it the things you want to say the most are the hardest to say?'_ he thought.

"I…I love you."

The blonde looked at him in surprise. Kadaj put his head down, too embarrassed to look at him. He was expecting rejection…but what happened next mentally slapped him.

Cloud went up to him, and kissed him lightly, his expression calm as he pulled away, smiling at the silver-haired teen.

"I love you too," he said, meaningfully.

Kadaj stared at him, still surprised by the kiss. But as he smiled back at him, hearing those words told the teen he wouldn't have any more regrets…only that he didn't tell Cloud sooner.

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Heh...review plz?! 


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